Ordering wine on a first date

Okay, this is a big moment. 
You've got her out to a nice restaurant and want to make the right first impression. You don't want to blow it on the wine you choose for dinner after you've already taken so much time to bathe and find a clean shirt. You need advice.

If you order the cheapest wine on the list

You will look like a schmuck. What self-respecting princess wants to be seen with her friends later with a guy refusing to order cheese on his burger because it's an extra 30 cents? Don't come across as a cheap ass!  There can be an exception to this rule because if you've already decided you don't want to see her again then by all means get the crappiest wine on the list. And since you're already at a fancy restaurant the trick is to get her to order only an appetizer and get out. Beware, if she senses what you're up to she will order the most expensive entrée on the list.

If you order the most expensive wine on the list

She will see you either a) as a show-off, or b) as a rich show-off who will be buying her an $800 purse before the next date. Neither sounds good, especially "b."

If you order the average-priced wine

This looks like you don't know what you want out of life. It will now be her goal to help you decide.

If you order a European wine

This will make you look really sophisticated, but can you back that up? Can you even pronounce the name on the label or are you just ordering "bin 83" and hoping for the best? If the sommelier starts talking to you about the blends in the neighboring villages be ready to turn on the bullshit.

If you order Australian wine

She will assume you still listen to rap and leave your underwear showing because your shorts ride six inches too low. Nobody should be stuck in the nineties if they expect to make a good first impression.

If you order California wine (and you're not in CA)

If you're thinking about sharing a MILKSHAKE
 on your date get the hell off my blog!
Image from dateideasin.com

This looks like you have absolutely no imagination especially if you ask for a Chardonnay or Merlot. At least order a Rhone-style blend.

If you order Oregon wine

Now you're getting somewhere!

If you order New Zealand wine (NOT Sauvignon Blanc)

Find a NZ Pinot Noir and her panties will fall right off!

You're welcome