What Your Wine Choice Says About You

Some people only drink white, some only Cabernet. Whatever your favorite is I'm here to tell you it doesn't bode well.   :)

What your wine choices says about you is based on gender. I'm only doing two genders, let's not make this too complicated.

Boomers, wasted

CHARDONNAY
Women: You are turning into your mother.
Guys: Yeah, you too, bro.

PINOT GRIGIO
Women: It's sweeter than Chardonnay! And I won't turn into my mother.
Guys: You are about to get hit on by other guys. Maybe that was your plan?

RIESLING
Women: You spent a summer in Germany after your junior year in college.
Guys: You spent a summer in Germany while in school and didn't drink the beer? Scheisse.

GEWÜRZTRAMINER
Both genders: Now you're just showing off.
Hint: Just say gah-verts and skip the rest because German words are always too long anyway.

ROSE
Women: You are, or are trying to look, under 21.
Guys: This stuff really does shrink your penis, it's scientifically proven.

What she's not thinking, "He's so hot when drinking pink wine."

PINOT NOIR
Women: You thought you had ordered the other Pinot.
Guys: Social media influencers say you have to drink Pinot Noir and you do whatever they say, including painting your toenails.

CABERNET
Women: You know nothing about wine and "Cab" is the only one you can confidently pronounce.
Men: "Steak" and "Cab" and the two most important words in your vocabulary. Or maybe you don't know how to pronounce Merlot. Try saying "mare-lot" to get the bartender's attention.

MERLOT
Both genders: You're cool because you can pronounce it; you're uncool because you never saw the Sideways movie.

OLD VINE ZINFANDEL
Women: You want to look irresistible to men (yes, it'll work).
Men: You like the vines your wine comes from to be older than you. You like your women to be much younger.

PETITE SIRAH
Both genders: You have hair on your chest.

Now you know what to order for her