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Thursday, January 16, 2014

2014 wine predictions

Here's what's gonna happen in the wine market this year. Yes, I have insider connections that have guaranteed this stuff. As an added bonus they even gave me the name of the Kentucky Derby winner!

February 2014

A new study shows the daily consumption of four glasses of sparkling wine will eventually lead to pregnancy.

March 2014

China buys Napa Valley after a protracted bidding war with Disneyland.

April 2014

The California drought (is this part of global warming or not?) means the grape farmers can't water their crop.Worse yet, what's going to happen to the marijuana crop?

May 2014

Duck Dynasty wine gets 94 points in the Wine Spectator.

June 2014

The bottom falls out of the China wine boom as they turn to craft beer and gin.

July 2014

Wine Spectator loses 30% of its subscriber base in the Northeast. Mississippi sells its first ever copy of the WS. Still, Guns and Ammo sells a copy in Mississippi every 3.2 seconds.

August 2014

Australia dumps 50 million gallons of wine originally destined for China on New Zealand.

September 2014

Napa releases its first $100 cult craft beer. Dentists and lawyers immediately buy up the entire stock forcing the brewery to start a mailing list with a three year waiting period.

Oct 2014

The lack of water to dilute the fruit on the vines leads to what's hailed as the highest quality harvest ever. As Robert Parker puts it, "The flavors are incredible. And all without residual sugar!"

November 2014

With the lack of water for irrigation California announces the 2014 grape crop is 40% lower than expected. Many people go, "Hmmmm."

December 2014

After a short skirmish Northern California separates from Southern California. SoCal becomes HollywoodWorld; NorCal become Bordough (rhymes with Sourdough) hoping to cash in on bigger wine sales. France immediately sues. Stay tuned.