Why do Millennials go to wine bars?

Wine bars seem to be very popular especially with the Millennials. This is the group of mostly 20-somethings we're supposed to trust with defining American culture and buying habits. Probably the biggest reason they like wine bars is because they are safe compared to beer bars and the local watering hole. For some reason patrons of wine bars are clean cut, at least middle-class, and usually unarmed.

Typical wine bar patrons

Is it a classy pick-up joint? The women you find in a nice wine bar aren't afraid to show their stuff in public, otherwise they'd be surfing PlentyOfFish or Tinder, right? (No, I have never been on these sites either, but I had to do some research for this blog post).  If they're not into surfing for dates women can feel safe hanging out at a nice, clean wine bar full of other white collar types. Why else would you volunteer to pay $13 for a glass of La Crema Chardonnay?

So why do guys go to wine bars--I mean straight guys? I assume to find white collar professional-type women because they're different from the women on Tinder. The other day when I was doing observation work for this blog post at the Russian River Brewery. I don't believe I saw anyone in banker's clothes. T-shirts and tats ruled except for the tourists. I have to think real men go to brew pubs until they have to get a real job and wind up working for the man and wearing banker's clothes.

It's okay and it's expected that young ladies in a wine bar will order Chardonnay, but don't order Rombauer Chardonnay. This wine is reserved for the 40-something women looking for that 30 year old stud. Straight guys should probably not order Chardonnay unless you're trying to come across as the sensitive type. Just know you may get hit on by gay guys.

A beer aficionado

When the Millennials go to the wine bar they are supposed to order weird varieties of wine because they are trendsetters. At least that's what all the wine marketers say. This means if you're female you could go with a Chenin Blanc if you want domestic,  otherwise ask for a Pinot Bianco. If they don't have it then maybe the bar will next time if enough people ask for it. That's the same rationale used by vegans who ask for vegan wine in a tasting room. One of these times I'm going to tell them, "Make your own f##king wine and leave us normal people alone," but I'm getting off subject here.

Male Millennials are supposed to be as trendy as their female counterparts so don't be asking for a damn Merlot. Look for a Pinot Meunier (good luck pronouncing that one).  I believe it's French for manure. If you want a red wine easier to say then go for Chianti as they seem to be getting trendy again. I bet your parents haven't had one since college.

Many whiskey drinkers look
like this. All of 'em in
Tennessee look like him.

If you want to appear sophisticated, and this is good for any sex or persuasion, ask what they have in a single vineyard Pinot (I mean Pinot Noir, not Gris, dammit). If they happen to have multiple choices then just pick the cheapest.

The super-trendies will want to ask for natural or, better yet, biodynamic wines. I have no idea what a natural wine is, but if you have botox or a boob job, don't even embarrass yourself by false caring about natural products. If you believe in astrology then biodynamic wines might be for you. Just know that weird shit happened the vineyards during the full moon.

So what about the Gen-Xers who are a bit older than the Millennials? Sorry, nobody seems to care as there are a lot more Millennials and Baby Boomers so the Xers are way outnumbered. By the look of the crowd in the Russian River Brewery the other day it appears that you are supposed to be at the pub with a double IPA. I think maybe you got the best deal here.