Why I Hate Wine

There are a number of reasons I hate wine.   Here are ten that come to mind.  I'll probably think of more later as I've lost too many brain cells to have good recall.

1. I can't afford the good stuff.  Who's got $150 to put towards three-fourths liter of a beverage?  I deserve the good stuff don't you?   Makes you wonder if $3/gallon for gas is a steal.
   
   
2. What's with the spitting?   How in the hell are you supposed to spit your wine while you are eating?   Suppose you mistakenly chew and swallow your wine then spit out the food?
   
   
3. I like wine so much I'll drink more than I should and wake up dehydrated.   It's not my fault it tastes so good.   If only they fix the dehydration problem somehow then I could drink more tequila, too.
   
   
4. There are so many good European and South American wines I can't pronounce.   Can't you guys learn American?  How am I supposed to know how to say "Clos des Verdots Moelleux Bergerac?" Clothes-Dis-Vair-Dots Mole-Lou-X Burger-ack.   Jezuz, I don't even have any idea what this is--a Cab or what?
   
   
5. Wine snobs.  You know, those people who know more about wine than you which is pretty much everybody you want to impress.
   
   
6. Then there's the whole wine scene with the talking about malolactic and swirling to volatize your esters. Ever try to swirl your wine after already having four glasses?  I've ruined more shirts that way.  Spilling on someone else's shoes is even more embarrassing (if they notice before you walk away).
   
   
7. The French make great wine, but they are snooty about it and besides we had to bail them out of two wars.   Yes, their wine is good and their women are beautiful, but their cars suck.  I've never heard of a good Japanese wine so maybe autos and wine are mutually exclusive.  Oops, but then there's the Germans who can start wars, make good wine and build good cars.  But they lost the wars and the wine is white.   This is getting complicated...
   
   
8. I'm supposed to wait five-to-seven years before drinking this Cabernet?   Yeah, good luck.  The only consumable around my house that old is the chicken legs in the back of the fridge behind the beer.
   
   
9. The Wine Wheel.   That's the device listing about a hundred different things you are supposed to smell in your wine.   I don't know about you but I smell Zinfandel.  The last time I looked there were no raspberries in my Zin.  Some bees and earwigs maybe.
   
   
10. Internet wine forums like Robert Parker's because I have no idea what those people are talking about. That would be okay except I have people asking me for wine advice and education.  If this gets out I'll be seen as just another Chardonnay guzzler.
    

The only solution I see for this is to become a beer snob but I don't have the inclination to learn about all the different kinds of hops.   Besides I think beer geeks are a lot like wine snobs except they tend to be chubbier and have facial hair.