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Thursday, May 19, 2011

Sexy Wine Terms

Sex sells.

There are some unusual and amazing ways people describe wine. You can't just say good or bad.  Frankly, I don't know how some of these wine writers do it.  They must have been poets in a previous life.

Some of the following terms may be less obvious than others, but at least they're subliminally about sex.  By matching wine descriptors to famous people you can make purchasing decisions based on something visual rather than some nonsensical point system!

Fleshy - Kirstie Alley or Queen Latifah--your choice. Or not.

Foxy - The Megan Fox of wines I suppose--youthful and seductive and you wonder what she'll turn out to be when she reaches her prime.  Could be flabby, could be hot.

Full-bodied - Marilyn Monroe obviously.

Hot - Angelina Jolie obviously.

Lush - Especially when used in conjunction with "round" as in "a lush and round wine."  I'm guessing this would be the Jane Mansfield of wine.  Or maybe in more modern terms it could be Lindsey Lohan because she qualifies as a "lush."

Muscular - A descriptor to attract the women.  This would be the Hugh Jackman or Mathew McConaughey of wine.

Musty - Another one to attract women.  This would be a sweaty Hugh Jackman or Mathew McConaughey.

Sexy - People use this descriptor for wine a lot because it'll attract attention, but it could mean anything as sexy is a very broad term and strictly in the eye of the beholder. It could be anyone from Nicole Kidman to Halle Berry to Lady Gaga.   See the problem?  You probably don't like all three.

Sultry - More of a term for the actresses of the '40s and '50s like Jane Russell or Lana Turner. The old blues singers would work here, too, as would Amy Winehouse (and she's even got "wine" in her name).  But what does "sultry" have to do with wine?   I'm not sure, but I want to try it--in a dark, smoky room.

While we're on the subject you'll want to check out the Naked Winery for gift ideas.   Or maybe Thumbprint Cellars for one of their red blends, Three Some or Four Play.  Even better is the Climax they describe this way, "A provocative potion ... creates visual stimulation. Arousing aromas ... flirtatious flavors: Soaking wet ... sensual oak penetrate in and out of the tasting experience."   Oh yes, YES!