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Saturday, November 3, 2012

Wacky Wine Descriptions

No wonder some folks don't like wine! A wine writer might come up with something like, "a subtle undercurrent of sexy layers." That's fine, I can drink that. Here's a few things I don't want in my wine:

Band-Aids -From the flaw, Brettanomyces or Brett, that once it gets into a winery is almost impossible to get rid of. It's found more in older European wine making facilities so they like to call it part of the wine's character. All I know is I ain't drinkin' no wine where some smelly cellar dude lost his Band-Aid in the juice.

Barnyard - It smells like, you know, poop. Another Brett smell. Mostly French and the occasional Italian wine.Thirty years ago when Mondavi and Rothschild made a big splash with their joint venture, Opus One, supposedly they introduced Brett into the cellar to get that European flavor. Just goes to show that even smart, successful people don't always make good decisions.

Tellin' it like it is
Cat Pee - Classic New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. There was such a demand for NZ Sauv Blanc they had to up their production by having cats pee in the tanks! Their Sauv Blanc also is described as smelling like gooseberries. I have no idea what a gooseberry is or what it tastes like, but if it's anything like cat pee I know why gooseberries don't get imported.

Horse blanket, horsey - Brett again. Probably better than a Band-Aid or poo, but not by much.

Tar or Asphalt - Certain parts of southern Europe do an especially good job of having wines that smell like a freshly paved road. I don't know why they do, but they should try to fix that.

Wet Cardboard, Wet Dog, or Musty - From corked wines. Get a screw cap!

Yeah, it's bad. This is all stuff my mother taught me to never put in my mouth.

So what would the worst wine ever smell like? Imagine a horse galloping down a hot, newly paved road with an old feral cat riding on top and peeing on the horse. The sweaty horse returns to the barn where it all drips down on the old Band-Aid on your big toe right before the hose takes a dump. What a visual!