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Saturday, August 9, 2014

Wine Basics

Why I'm writing this

Wine is mysterious, full of jargon, and full of itself. It don't gotta be that way.

What is wine?

It's adult grape juice--just worst tasting than actual grape juice.

How is wine made?

Yes, grapes are a great tasting fruit. If you ferment them they taste awful so you add some chemicals and sugar and stuff. Fermentation changes the natural sugars in the fruit to alcohol with a byproduct of carbon dioxide. So essentially the little animals called yeast eat sugar, pee alcohol and fart CO2. If you think that's gross where do you think the little air bubbles in your bread come from? Be glad there's no brown stains in your Wonder Bread.

Where did wine come from?

In ancient times (I'm talking before 1990) it was found that alcoholic beverages made water safe to drink. This was all before the fluoridation of water. People would mix wine with water to quench their thirst as getting drunk was better than getting the runs. Usually, unless you fell off your horse.

Although if you ask the French they invented wine.

Why is wine so expensive?

Oak barrels are expensive, stainless steel tanks are expensive, vineyard land in Napa is way expensive. Sure you can get a box of wine for eight bucks that's absolutely fine just like you can get a car for $500, but neither will win you the admiration of friends. More importantly, neither will get you laid.

How is wine rated?

It's a simple 100 point scale. Nobody gets over 96 without creating an outrage from other vintners and other wine "experts." Any wine under 87 point sucks.  Makes perfect sense.

Why is wine rated?

So you'll buy it.  Duh.

How can I learn more about wine?

Figure about $8,000 over the next several years deposited at local wine shops. Then you too can pretend to know what you're talking about. Until then learn the difference between malolactic and negociant.

See, nothing to it!