Wine Predictions for the New Year

A new year is upon us and this means all of us "experts" have to tell you what's going to change this year. The good news is you'll forget it all 12 months from now so there's no need to actually be good at predicting the future.

So here goes nothin'

Here Comes Gallo!
Gallow (oops, Freudian slip, I mean Gallo) gets into the beer business with Mad Dog 10/10, a high-alcohol, low taste $2 beer in a 24 oz can. Town drunks everywhere rejoice. Gallo licenses the likeness of Warcraft games to appeal to 14 year olds.

"Hey, one sip of this shit and I haven't thrown up yet!"

NBA Celebrity Wine
LeBron James and Kevin Durant collaborate on a celebrity wine called ImBetterThanU. Its distinguishing feature is that it comes in a 2 foot tall bottle. If someone knocks it over you get two chances to throw a cork into their wine glass.

Wine Gets All Effed Up
It's not just red, white and pink anymore. Wines come in many colors. Borrowing from the beer world Kendall-Jackson puts wine on nitro and adds hops. Francis Ford Coppola Winery secretly adds weed to a couple wines immediately making them best-sellers in Colorado. (You didn't realize ol' Francis was a stoner, did you)?

Blindfolds are Hot!
Sandra Bullock's Bird Box movie finally puts wine blind tasting on the correct path. Instead of making poor attempts to conceal bottles you just blindfold the judges. Strings are tied to all of their wine glasses so they can follow the path to each without knocking them over. Yes, still a couple items to work out.

"I can tell this is merlot. I said no f##king merlot!"

Gosh Dern Kids
The newest generation to worry about, Gen Z, who are younger than the infamous Millennials, will totally f##k up the wine world as we know it. How? Beats the hell outta me, but you'll be hearing about it for at least the next decade.

Netflix and Chill
Netflix will have its own wines to play on the "Netflix and chill" saying. Instead of meaning stay home and have sex with BoJack Horesman playing in the background it'll now mean chillin' a bottle of Netflix Chardonnay in the fridge while firing up the TV for another exciting evening of not interacting with other humans.

Cringe-Worthy Watching
Godfather IV hits production as a bloody epic based in Chicago following a wine wholesaler crime family.

Wholesalers making a "house call" on a wine shop