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Friday, November 7, 2014

What Your Beer Choice Says About You

Having just published What Your Wine Choice Says About You I'm thinking beer deserves equal time. Because, you know, beer is getting just as uppity as wine these days.

Pale Ale
You're new to the craft beer scene and a little afraid of IPAs -- just like the Chardonnay drinker is afraid of Sauvignon Blanc. It's scientific fact that 42.3% of Pale Ale drinkers eventually give up on beer with all those different flavors and return to Bud Lite.

IPA
You wanna be like everyone else so you jump on the newest trends. You waited in line for the new iPhone. IPA is the Pinot Noir of beer. FYI, people who say they don't like IPAs had a bad experience with these higher alcohol beers when they were 21--it possibly involved throwing up on their girlfriend.

Double or Triple IPA
You either:
A. Buy according to the alcohol level. You're looking for the best buzz (the Zinfandel of beer).
B. You buy according to IBUs. You are a beer geek and take notes when you go to a new brewpub. You've taken beer pub crawling vacations. Your significant other isn't sure about you.
Triple IPAs are the Petite Sirah of beer as only real men drink them. You are a walking (actually driving) time bomb for a DUI.

Fresh Hop IPA
You are the alternative beer drinker. You listen to Indie music as corporate radio sucks. You might be a college professor (if you're smart) or in a band (if you're not). Please, your friends are getting tired of hearing about your biodynamic garden.

Blonde Ale
You like women with yellow hair and light personalities (or you are one). You hate the taste of beer.

Farmhouse Ale
You've been to Europe. So what? My late uncle was in the Battle of the Bulge and he drank shitty American lagers.

Stout 
You like the fact that the foam gets caught up in your mustache so you can enjoy the flavors later. A true stout lover has had breakfast stout then has finished off the day with a stout float.

Porter
You are an Anglophile. You even admire their cars though the only one you can afford is a Mini (it's not really English BTW, it's a BMW). Your last lunch porter was with bangers and mash.

Pumpkin Ale
Don't get me started ...