Chardonnay - If you are under 35 you have become your mother. If you are over 55 you wish guys under 35 would look at you. If you are between 35 and 55, put the Chardonnay down! If you're a male Chardonnay drinker we have to talk.
Sauvignon Blanc - You are either: a) smart and sophisticated enough to be past Chardonnay, b) you just need to stand out from the crowd, or c) you like acidic wine because it fits your personality.
Pinot Grigio - You haven't made it to Chardonnay yet. Besides, Grigio sounds so Italian and makes you think of a cute little Fiat or an Italian fashion model. You are under 30 years old, maybe under 21. You read Cosmo for its sex and relationship advice.
Moscato - You are definitely under 21. Okay, you could be an under 25 female who doesn't really like wine, but has to drink it because of peer pressure. BTW, the cool kids pronounce it "moss-kah-toh" not "muss-cat-oh."
Riesling - You just like all things German which, if you think about it, is a little weird. Favorite movie: Das Boot. Favorite car: an old Beemer. Favorite TV series: The History Channel's WWII in Color.
Sparkling Wine aka Champagne - You are blonde or a wanna be blonde. You wanna be at a party. You wanna be the hit of the party. Or you want to be at parties with a lot of tipsy blondes. Favorite TV show: Sex and the City.
Rosé - There are two types of Rosé drinkers. Old school: They drink Kool-Aid and vodka at home when no one's around. Favorite TV show: General Hospital. Favorite news source: National Enquirer. New and trendy Rosé drinkers: Trend setters who have already gone through Chardonnay and Sauvignon Blanc and can't afford Pinot Noir prices. They go to artsy movie theaters showing international films. They get all their news from Jon Stewart's The Daily Show.
Cabernet Sauvignon - Cab is the only wine variety you can confidently pronounce. Besides, people think you're an upper-middle-class business person when you order Cabernet. Only problem is you have to get your teeth cleaned monthly.
Pinot Noir - Everybody else is drinking it though it sure is expensive and tastes kinda funny, but you have to be trendy. I mean why isn't it kind of sweet like that other Pinot, the Grigio stuff? If you're female, you are wearing expensive, uncomfortable shoes because they are trendy. If you're male you are wearing Skechers because they're dorky and expensive, but oh, so trendy!
Merlot - You stopped buying music after the Cars broke up. You've certainly never downloaded music. Mostly though, you drink Merlot because it's cheaper than Cab. You watch the Turner Classic Movie station. Favorite restaurant: Applebee's.
Malbec - It's lush, smooth, and sexy, just like you. Yeah sure.
Cheap Chianti - You think Olive Garden is real Italian food. You've stayed at the Venetian Hotel in Vegas. You're considering buying a Fiat.
Shiraz - It just sounds cool, especially if you say it like Crocodile Dundee would. You tried Syrah once, but it was yucky. You finally felt older and sophisticated when you told your dad you drank Shiraz.
Petite Sirah - You have grease under your fingernails. Favorite movie: Anything with Bruce Willis and helicopters. Favorite shoes: Your ten year old Red Wing work boots. Favorite magazine: Guns and Ammo. You've had arguments about whether Wranglers or Levis are the best jeans.
Zinfandel - No, it's red. Many of your friends don't know that. But you've realized real wine should have more than 15% alcohol to save time when getting a buzz on. If there's no Zin available you'll just have a shot of Jack. You like muscle cars. Favorite TV show: The Walking Dead.
If you only buy cheap wine, you buy it for the cute label, and don't care what's inside then be worried you are selecting members of the opposite sex the same way.
If you only buy box wine you are saying, "I go through it so fast I need to keep some on tap because I don't have time to deal with a cork."
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