Wine Myths and Facts

There's absolute scientific proof, there's bald-faced lies, there's politics where truth is irrelevant. In wine there are many myths, a nice way of saying there's a lot of bullshit.

Myth: You can cellar red wines.
Fact:   Every wine should be consumed on the day you buy it. Cellaring wines is for losers who can't finish every bottle in the house on a daily basis.

Myth: Red wine is heart healthy.
Fact:  You're really trying too hard to find a reason to drink.

Myth: Each varietal of wine is best served in a different shaped glass.
Fact:  If your friend is opening a $90 wine and only has Red Solo Cups don't try to tell me you'll refuse to drink it.

At a fancy restaurant the snooty waiter opens your bottle and sets the cork in front of you.
Myth: You examine the cork for flaws and sniff it for cork taint.
Fact:   You break it in two to signify you'll be finishing the whole bottle over dinner and therefore will be a loose tipper.

Myth: A $10 wine is just as good as a $100 wine.
Fact:   You'll never own a Mercedes either so keep telling yourself that Kia is just fine.

Myth: The cork broke off in the bottle when I tried to remove it.
Fact:   It's a screw cap, dumb shit.

Myth: Red wine gives me a headache.
Fact:   So did those five shots of cheap tequila. Figure it out.

Myth: Old, mature red wines are better than young ones.
Fact:   I'm old, though not very mature, so I'm going to agree with this one.