The Stages of Drinking

Happy holidays! It's that time of year. Here's a little something to help you recognize your current state while you're yucking it up with family, friends, and coworkers.

Where to  
You've got to choose your place of consumption: Wine bar, beer bar, dive bar, Whole Foods.

Selection
You can get a glass of wine for $9 or the whole bottle for $20. Go big. Well, things are starting off nicely.

Effects
Eventually some of the alcohol reaches your brain. You are slower mentally, physically, and people are blurry, but somehow your liberal/conservative leanings have allowed you to cure the country's problems in a ten minute conversation/argument with whoever is next to you.

Happy Hour
The bartender mentions happy hour is ending in five minutes. You mean I can buy a beer and get a shot of bar whiskey for another nickel? Your decision-making skills are getting awesome!

Face in Your Phone
You order some Christmas presents from Amazon (not sure who they're for yet), set up a Tinder date, do some online stock trading, and order that salt water fish tank you've always wanted.

Sobering Up
You order a plate of deep-fried something for $14.

Getting Home
The smart thing to do is pay Uber $20 for the ride and hope you car doesn't get towed overnight.

The Next Morning
You must have left your phone in the Uber driver's car. 
You recall your motto: You can't regret what you don't remember!