Q. How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
A. About an hour should be fine.
Q. Is it true that red wine is good for you?
A. Go ahead and kill off a bottle of malbec and try to tell me it wasn't a good time.
Q. What is pinot noir?
A. Overpriced.
Q. Is pinot grigio a girly wine?
A. Yes. Drink sauvignon blanc for Christ's sake.
Q. Should you buy a wine just because it won gold medals?
A. If you trust the opinion of a bunch of drunks, I mean judges, you don't know.
Q. What is the best wine?
A. The one someone else buys and shares with you.
Q. Should I support my local wineries? (I live in Iowa).
A. If you have to ask ...
Q. Why are Napa Valley cabernets so expensive?
A. Because Bay Area dentists will pay anything.
Q. Is cheap wine bad for you?
A. Will cheap tequila make you throw up at 3 a.m? Next question.
Q. But is it okay if I like a $5 wine?
A. As long as you're driving a $500 car. Don't own a Lexus and drink shit like that.
Q. What's the difference between a wine that costs $25 and one that costs $300?
A. $275. Do your own math next time.
Q. Can you get drunk then get a tattoo you'll regret later, even from chardonnay?
A. No, honey. Don't worry about it.
A. If you can't figure out fermentation then the easy explanation is, yeasts eat sugar and pee alcohol. Eventually they drown in their own piss. Poor bastards.
Q. Why is there sulfite in wine?
A. Sulfur is the third-most abundant mineral in your body (go ahead, look it up). Don't deny your body's needs because of a few pansy-asses that can't breathe.
Q. What does decanting do?
A. Sells $50 glass vessels that have no other use.
Q. Why do we use corks in wine bottles?
A. Because there's a huge cork industry in Portugal and we don't want to f%#k up their already weak economy, do we?
Q. So do screw caps mean it's a cheap wine?
A. Duh
Q. Are their certain wines I should like?
A. Yes
Q. Are there any wines I should avoid?
A. Yes, wines where their labels aren't even in English! How do you know what you're getting?
Any other questions?
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