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Friday, December 26, 2014

Why it's better to get drunk on wine

If you're gonna get drunk, and you know you are eventually, here's why it's better to do it on wine.
 
This is more stylish than twisting off the cap on a Bud

If you've just come from your office job and you're still dressed up it's okay to get drunk on Chardonnay or Merlot. Looks kinda funny if you hit the local dive bar and start ordering Buds with a Jack back while you're in office attire.

Wine is a sophisticated drunk compared to a Budweiser drunk which usually goes from tears to fists to barfing. It's okay to be in a suit or a nice dress and have purple teeth. A Bud drunk will use your necktie to grab and throw you to the floor. Then you're wiping up your own blood with it.

Beer is a bloated drunk. You spend a lot of time walking back to the bathroom while others snicker at you bouncing off the walls and tripping over chairs.

With wine you don't actually plan on getting drunk It's just that the second bottle tasted so good you want the experience of a third. No one has ever said, "Wow, that Canadian whiskey was so good I want to try another one."

Instead of asking the bartender to hit you with another shot you ask something like, "How would you compare the two Pinots?" Eventually you'll try them both, of course, but it sounds so sophisticated.

Speaking of bartenders, it's unlikely they can screw up a wine order as opposed to something like a top shelf bourbon Manhattan with cherry juice.

When you're in full buzz on wine you don't pick a fight with somebody bigger, you won't fall asleep in the bar, and you don't cry in your Merlot. You just know you're good looking and intelligent and wish your mother would realize that.

Don't let this happen to you!
If you want to talk to members of the opposite sex wine is best. It's obvious the hard stuff is not the way to go here as you pretty much can't talk after four shots. And with beer you get hung up on your ex (just ask any music writer of country hit singles).

Even when you realize you've had too much it's okay to have another glass of wine because there's this Oregon Pinot you've heard about and been wanting to try. You can't ask the bartender, "Do you have any Bud Lite from the Fairfield plant so I can compare it to St. Louis?"

If you're going to be a lonely drunk it can look like the low point of your life if you're drinking Smirnoff, but if you're doing it with a 92 point Napa Cab it's now an experience.

Three young ladies, three Chardonnays
Nothing will go wrong tonight!
Anytime your best friend is about to leave and you don't want them to you can just pull out that 92 point Cab and they'll stick around. This is a good tip for members of the opposite sex as how can they say no to your advances after they've just drank your best bottle of wine?

It's a proven fact that people will use the F-word in public less when drunk on wine. Whiskey and tequila are the worst for swearing in front of children and church goers, btw.

No one feels sorry for a Chardonnay drunk. Think of the image you are projecting by chugging Keystone Lights vs. downing glasses of Mondavi Cab.

Your diet is usually better as a wine drunk compared to a beer drunk. Sausages, beef jerky, or potato chips? No problem with beer. The worse you'll do with wine is cheap American cheese on Ritz.
This will not end well

Wine drunks can be too honest sometimes, but the drama queens usually come out as the cocktails go down. For the young ladies, this is why you always want to go to the bar with your girlfriends so they won't have you to rag on.

The party drunk? Okay, tequila wins here.