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Monday, June 29, 2015

How Your Day of Wine Tasting Will Go

Those lucky enough to live near a wine-growing region have probably spent multiple weekends hitting up the tasting rooms. For those who haven't been too involved in this "hobby" yet here's what to expect. For the regulars you'll recognize this immediately.  Because, you know, there are always regrets when alcohol is involved.

Following is your typical day of wine tasting:

The first stop of the day for wine tasting is right after eating the hotel breakfast of stale muffins and an orange juice-like substance then brushing your teeth. You immediately notice the wines aren't that good. They seem acidic and maybe a bit minty. And way too expensive. Let's move on.

At the second tasting stop after listening to the server tell you about the wines you realize you really don't know shit about wine. You join their wine club so you look like you understand the high quality products made there.

By the third tasting room the wines are really pretty good and $40 isn't all that bad for top-flight Chardonnay so you buy six.

At the fourth stop you realize you've missed lunch. Your mouth is really dry and you're getting a headache. And, boy, this Chardonnay is even better than the one you bought six of so you buy a case. And you join the wine club so you get a discount.

At the next stop you wear in your sunglasses so they can't see your eyes and you try not to talk too much and pretend to be listening intently. You buy three bottles of something or other so they'll waive your tasting fee. Besides the wine prices are really pretty good as you only spent 125 dollars! Realizing you haven't eaten is five hours you also buy a hunk of cheese and some tasteless crackers for $22. Why is this place 45 minutes from the nearest In 'N Out?

At the sixth tasting room you wait outside and fall asleep on the lawn in the sun. Your head hurts now. Maybe a nice, cold glass of Sauvignon Blanc is what you need. So you go inside and ask, "Your SB is all stainless, right?" They nod so you buy a glass. Boy, you've turned into quite a pro at this in just five short hours.

Later, back at the hotel you open one of the bottles you just purchased after having tapas plates with shots of tequila at the hotel bar.

Waking up the next day you find a full glass of wine next to the bed. You also realize you've bought a bunch of Chardonnay and you don't even drink Chard. Maybe it can be mom's Christmas present. If only you had room in your 600 sq ft apartment to store it. Then you find receipts for the four wine clubs you joined. That 600 feet is going to get really small when that wine starts arriving.

Who in the f#%k bought this $60 Syrah? Whoops, you did.

You go downstairs, have another stale muffin, three cups of coffee and do it all over again!